she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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