Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
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Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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