I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
