I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
