birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So much rum. So many feels.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
