saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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