she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
