how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
