Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
