he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
