Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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