I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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