Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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