my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
