omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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