What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You ruined the universe
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
