last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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