Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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