Sry I called you an 8
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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