I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
