I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
