She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
