You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
