My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.