K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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