I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I want to be your penis for a week.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst