Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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