Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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