you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
