This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
