listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
