just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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