Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
