I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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