Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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