i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
