It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
