looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
