oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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