Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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