She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
