Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
