I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
