Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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