Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
