I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
