i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
