Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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