Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
