Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
