yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
