Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
