When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize