You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
