Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
