Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
