Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
