im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
