??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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