then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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