dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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