For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
