If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
