I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
