it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
